Bare
by fluorescent-adolescent13
Summary: It wasn't the way that things were supposed to go down. It was never the way that things were supposed to go down. (If 3x11 had gone differently) LINSTEAD.
1. Chapter 1

**This is going to be a hard one guys. Sensitive material ahead.**

There was a moment before he realised what had happened. It was a lapse in his racing thoughts. A brief second where his brain was unable to fully comprehend the sight that was in front of his eyes. He had always known to prepare himself for the worst in those sort of situations, but he had never counted on something like it happening. It didn't take long for his blood to start to boil. For the heat and rage that had developed quickly in his system to course through his veins and flood his entire body.

Anger. He wasn't sure why it was the first emotion to consume him. Though, he wasn't in much of a position to begin asking questions about it on the spot. It wasn't like he could form many conclusive thoughts in the moment. The only thing that Jay knew with absolute certainty was that in the whole of his career, he had never pulled a trigger so quickly. There was no hesitation. He hadn't thought twice about the shot.

He was more angry at himself. If he had only been a few minutes earlier none of it would have happened. He couldn't help but let that thought repeat over and over again in his head.

Jay watched as the other man in the room dropped to the ground. The seconds seemed to drag by at an agonising pace. The heavy slump of the body echoed around them both. The knife that had been held so tightly in his hand, that had been held so tightly against the brunette's body, bounced off of the bed and onto the floor next to him. The clatter brought Jay back to reality and time forced his attention away from the small details. It was never a room that he wanted to be in.

He paused again. His eyes drifted slowly across the mattress that lay a few feet in front of him. They moved inch by inch until they finally settled onto the half naked body of the brunette. They moved from her feet, following the lines of her shins until they fell onto her knees. Her legs were tucked tightly up to her chest. Jay looked to her face but nothing was there to greet him. Her own gaze was glued firmly to the dead man and the dark maroon that was spreading across his face - never meeting her partner's.

There were small dark splotches splattered on the sheets around her. The bloody marks merged with the blue flowered patterns. There were some on the brunette too. Like shrapnel spread from a blast. On her arms. On her chest. On her face like violent red freckles. It was only then that the deathly silence that had filled the room since he had fired his weapon, met Jay's ears at last. He forced himself to swallow the growing, painful lump that had been forming in his throat. It didn't matter that it was his partner on the bed. It didn't matter that it was his girlfriend. He couldn't help but feel like he was seeing too much. Like he was seeing far more of her than he should have.

"Er..." His voice was shaky. He wanted to kick himself. He wanted to rip out his vocal cords for abandoning him in the moment that he needed them most. Her name came out as less than a whisper, crackling in the air as though he hadn't spoken a word in days. He had meant for it to be strong. He had begged for it to be reassuring, but what came out was barely a shadow of what he had intended for it to be. Jay wanted to say so much more to her. Not that there was much that he could say at all that would make things better. He knew that. He just couldn't help it. The words were getting caught up in the back of his throat and his tongue was tied in just as many knots as his stomach was nevertheless. He pulled his phone out from his back pocket. "I'm gonna need an ambulance."

Erin didn't say anything. Her lips were tight. It wasn't as though he had expected for her to make a single sound, but he had hoped that she might have acknowledged his presence. He would have settled for the slightest of glances. Her eyes were as lifeless at Ty's were. Jay wondered if she could even hear him. She hadn't even flinched slightly when the sound of the gunshot reverberated throughout the room. If she could hear anything then she was just ignoring it.

His gun was still in the same position as it was when he burst into the room. He hadn't even realised that he hadn't lowered it. It was still at eye level as though he were waiting for another threat to pounce out at them from underneath the bed. It wasn't the way that things were supposed to go down. It was never the way that things were supposed to go down.

Jay exhaled deeply. His lungs emptied themselves in a matter of seconds. He hadn't realised that he had been holding in his breath for so long either. He had to remind himself to take another one. He was scared to make another sound. Even though he had spoken to her, or at least tried, he couldn't help but worry that the tiniest of sounds could have spooked the brunette. It was stupid, but he didn't know what else he was supposed to think. He just knew that he had to do something.

There was movement on the other side of the window. He could hear the commotion from where he was standing. Patrol cars coming from all directions. It was protocol. When the team had realised what had been going on, they had rushed to the scene knowing what they might find. Jay couldn't help but feel jealous of them now though. They were oblivious. He knew that it wouldn't take long for someone to come looking for them though. Especially after he had shot Ty. But the last thing that Jay wanted was for anyone to walk in and see Erin in the state that she had been left in. She hadn't uttered a word to him about any of it, and he knew she wouldn't even if he asked her, but he knew that she wouldn't want it either. He couldn't let that happen to her.

There was a little blood on her shirt too. It was by his feet at the bottom of the bed. He hadn't noticed the mess at first when he had stopped. It was only when he started to look around that he realised what he was standing in the middle of. He had been to consumed by Erin to care about anything else that was around him. He noticed it now though. Every single detail screamed at him. The only thing that was covering her and stopping her from being completely exposed was her underwear. It made Jay feel sick. His eyes darted around the room swiftly in search of the rest of her clothing, trying to find where it had been discarded.

The last remaining shreds of what used to be her t-shirt were crumpled up next to her thigh. It was plain and black and entirely Erin. It made his chest ache. It was clear that there was no salvaging it. Not that she would want it now. Jay could only assume that its condition was a consequence of Ty's knife. Her jeans were in a heap at the other side of the bed, closest to the door. Jay didn't want to think about how they had been taken off. Forced off. He didn't want to think about the way things had been torn and tugged at.

He didn't want to think about the fact that Erin had gone through any of it.

Without thinking his hands moved up towards his own shoulder blades. He winced slightly at the sound of the velcro on his vest being pulled apart. He swayed between ripping it straight off or pulling the sides apart but just like when he had said her name, Erin didn't acknowledge the noise at all. He lifted the vest over his head and threw it onto the chair that was behind him. It always felt like a relief to take it off after a hard case but he felt nothing this time around. Maybe it was because Erin was always the one to help him take it off.

There was a pink knitted shawl draped over the top rail of the chair. He could have laughed. Between it and the blue flowers on the bed covers, the room was littered with far too much innocence for something so terrible to have happened in it.

It made the bile rise from his stomach. He gagged.

Jay glanced upwards, trying to focus on something else for a moment and push the thoughts that entered his mind away before he puked all over the floor. There was a device on top of the chest of drawers. He had seen one like it before. He hadn't noticed it before though.

Nitrous oxide. The cause of all of this.

He turned again and started to unzip his hoodie. Erin was his priority now. She was the only thing that he was worried about.

Jay took a few short steps closer to where the brunette was lying and reached an arm out towards her, material in hand. "You don't have to say anything. Or move. I'm just going to put this over you so that...so that if anyone comes up here you'll be covered up."

He frowned at his own choice of words, eyebrows furrowing down intensely. He wasn't sure what else he was supposed to have said to her but what came out didn't sound like his voice at all.

The nearer that he became to Erin the more Jay began to notice the dark bruises that had already started to form on her body. There was a light circle lining her right eye socket and a cut on her lower lip. Just like before, he couldn't help but grimace slightly at the thought of how they got there in the first place. There were marks on her neck, the outlines of fingers screaming out, and harsh red marks surrounding them at every angle. He had to force himself to keep looking at her. He had to force his stomach to stay under control. The paleness of her skin made them stand out all the more. He didn't want to look at her arms either. Even in his peripheral vision he could tell that there was more discolouration that anything else.

Erin remained silent as he draped the hoodie over her torso. The material reached just below the tops of her legs. Usually it was one of her favourite things to wear. Not this one specifically. She figured early into their relationship, much to Jay's dismay, that his clothes turned out to be more comfortable in her own when the lukewarm Chicago days turned into painfully cold nights. When they were away from the prying eyes of their friends, Jay was more than used to her asking for something of his. He had started to offer it even before the words could leave her mouth. Most of the time she took whatever it was without asking. He didn't mind though. He never minded. There was something soothing about it normally but in that moment the fabric was the last thing that Erin wanted to be touching her.

She flinched before he could even let go of it, her breathing quickening second by second. Jay could hear it too. What was the gentle rise and fall of her chest had transformed into an uneven rhythm of shuddering inhales and exhales, rattling through her body for a few moments until her eyes finally flickered up to meet Jay's own.

"Can you..." She sounded as though she was scared of her own voice. Like she didn't recognise the sounds that were coming from her mouth. Just like Jay had been. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. He knew what he wanted to do. Was he supposed to stay where he was? Was he supposed to come closer? Would she let him wrap his arms around her like his heart ached for him to do? It was uncharted territory for them both. The brunette took a long, deep breath in, running her tongue over her lip and frowning as she tasted blood. She spoke in the strongest tone that she could muster. "Can you untie me?"

He nodded immediately. It was almost frantic. Like he thought she was going to change her mind at any moment and crumble into another catatonic state. "Of course." He could have kicked himself for not making a move to do it sooner. He should have realised how uncomfortable it must have been for her. He hadn't even noticed the awkward positioning of her arms. Though judging by the way she had reacted to the hoodie, Jay wasn't entirely sure whether or not Erin would have let him close enough to loosen them.

The ropes that were around her wrists were knotted tightly. Her hands were raw. It made his stomach turn. He knew that every second of him not being there was just another second that Erin had to suffer through it all. Red lines stood out against the white skin. He couldn't believe how unfazed she was. Even when his fingers brushed against the fresh wounds accidently, she had barely noticed it at all. Or at least she had acted like she didn't notice it at all. As soon as they were free she rubbed them lightly, holding them close to her chest. Jay couldn't help but notice how quickly she had moved them away from his but he knew that he was just overthinking it.

He nodded slightly at no one in particular. He wasn't sure whether or not it was to Erin, or just a silent way of reassuring himself in the moment. The brunette looked away from him completely as soon as the words had left his lips. He knew that it wasn't his fault. It wasn't something that he was doing to make her uncomfortable, but the cogs were turning in his head faster than ever trying to figure out everything that was going on around him. He wasn't sure whether or not he should have tried to move her straight away, scooped her up and rushed her down to an ambulance, or whether this was the best thing to be doing.

He sat down on the bed. His back was against hers.

After a few long seconds, he raised one of his hands up steadily - concentrating entirely on not letting it shake. He placed it on top of her shoulder, away from the cuts and the bruises that were scattered all over her. Jay more than expected for her to push him away completely, or further back into the pillows that were underneath her, but the only movement that she made was to lean into his touch ever so slightly. Erin rested her cheek against the back of his hand, allowing her eyelids to droop down for a moment. It was entirely unexpected. Jay couldn't help but let out a small sigh of relief.

It didn't take long for the peace and calmness that had settled around them both to shatter. It was gone before Jay could think about getting used to it. Though he knew that nothing was going to be okay anymore. Erin's eyes darted open as quickly as they had closed. Her body followed suit. She sat up beside him, forcing his hand away all of a sudden, and her gaze drifted away from him. The hoodie fell onto her lap. "I don't want to be here anymore." Her voice was ten times more certain than it had been when she had first spoken but it gave Jay very little reassurance at all. He wanted to be comforted but all that he could think about was how unsettling it was given what had just happened.

"Okay." He was confused but he nodded again. He wasn't going to start disagreeing with her. "Can you stand?"

The brunette started to move again, ignoring his question and sliding close to him. She dangled her bare legs over the edge of the sheets. She winced with every inch that she shifted but she never stopped. Jay was almost grateful that she was hurting. It meant that she wasn't completely oblivious to it all. It was the first time that she looked how she looked. A large part of his mind was screaming at him and telling him that he shouldn't have been letting her move at all.

Erin reached down for her jeans but groaned loudly before her fingers could even reach her shins. She clutched her side, fingers digging into her own skin hard. Jay frowned. "I have to put my clothes back on."

"I think you should just leave them off right now," he replied, his voice soft. He was trying to go through all the possibilities in his head of what he was supposed to do. He knew that they were going to have to go to the hospital. Erin would protest but it had to be sooner rather than later. Jay figured that it would just be easier to leave the pants off rather than go through the pain of putting them on, and off, and on again.

Erin furrowed her brows, turning to look back at him again. He couldn't tell what was going on behind her eyes. "Why would I do that?"

Jay stuttered. He had seen it coming but he still was surprised somehow. "I just mean...If it hurts to put them on then it will hurt to take them off. You have to get checked out anyway. Maybe it'll just make things a little easier if you leave them off right now."

He had tried to be gentle with his tone, but he realised after that maybe he shouldn't have been. It wasn't as though his reasoning was going to work. It never did with her, and it wasn't going to start now.

"I'm not going to get checked out Jay. I'm fine," she said without hesitation. The brunette forced herself to reach down again and pick up the black denim fabric, sliding each leg carefully over her ankles. She pushed herself off of the bed completely, swaying slightly as she stood upright. Jay darted up immediately. He was always ready to catch her if she fell but she balanced herself quickly. He looked to her expectantly, searching her eyes for any hint of the truth. She opened her mouth to speak but what came out wasn't what he wanted to hear. "I need you to help me. I can't pull them up by myself. It...It hurts too much."

"Erin..."

"Can you just help me."

He didn't move.

"No," he shook his head. "We have to get you to Med."

"It's just a few cuts and scrapes."

"It's not just a few cuts and scrapes, Erin." His heart was thumping against his chest. "Look at you."

"Fine, I'll do it myself," she muttered, sitting back down on the bed.

He paused, the realisation suddenly dawning on him. "Do you even know what happened?"

"Please Jay," her voice came out as more than a whisper.

"Did he do what I think he did?"

"Stop," Erin cried. "Just stop, Jay."

Her jeans fell to the ground. Her head fell to her hands. It was all the confirmation that he needed.

He picked his hoodie up, wrapping it around her shoulders carefully. "It's going to be okay." He placed one hand behind her back and the other underneath her legs. As soon as he lifted her up, Erin dug her face deep into his chest. "It's okay. I've got you." Jay was certain that she would be able to feel how hard his heart was beating. She tensed up immediately as his feet made contact with the stairs. He tried to be as gentle as possible with each small movement that he made, unconsciously pulling her in tighter towards him. "It's going to be okay."

Jay wasn't sure who he was repeating it for.

He winced almost as much as Erin did as the cold air of the outside hit them both. He was considerably more covered up that she was but even he could feel it. Jay wished that he would have had something else to put on her back in the room. Her legs were bare and the hoodie was thin. Jay kept his eyes glued firmly to the ground that was in front of him, not wanting to look up and see the cops that would most definitely be looking back at him. The sooner that they got to the ambulance, the sooner Erin would be safe. Her face was still tucked tightly into his chest. He could feel her warm breath against him. Her eyes were screwed shut tightly. She didn't want to see anyone either.

"Erin!" A voice called from the other side of the road. It was the first voice that Jay had expected to hear. It drew closer and closer to them with each slow second that passed them by. Jay could see the flashing lights of the ambulance out of his peripheral vision. That was his goal. He just wanted to get there as soon as possible. He couldn't stop. "What the hell happened, Halstead?"

"I..." He couldn't even speak. He didn't know what he could even say.

"Is she hurt?" Voight said.

Jay looked up to him. He wanted to tell the older man what a stupid fucking question it was, but he knew that he was just as worried as he was. Voight was staring through him intensely. Jay could tell that he was trying to hold it all together but the worry was still plain to see.

The younger cop nodded. He could see the rest of the team. The were looking at him with the same worry as Voight was. He had to look away from them. He could feel the tears forming in his own eyes. "It's going to be okay." He knew that Erin could still hear them. He didn't want to say the truth out loud. For her sake.

Voight followed closely behind Jay as he stepped up into the ambulance. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. What he was supposed to do. He was as lost as Jay was. "I'll go with her."

Jay placed her down carefully onto the gurney, hesitating slightly before he moved away from her and let the paramedics check her out.

"No," Erin said suddenly, before he could step back onto the street. Her voice was small but everyone could hear it. It caught them off guard. "I want Jay."

 **The art of starting another story when you already have a handful that you struggle to update regularly. This was incredibly difficult to write but it was an idea that had been floating around in my head ever since I watch the 'Knocked The Family Right Out' episode. It's a sorta what if. What if they hadn't realised sooner. What if Ty would have kept going. It took me forever to figure out how to write this and I'm still not sure if I like it at all, but here it is regardless.**

 **Let me know if you want me to continue this. I have a lot of ideas for how it could go. I know the content is a little sensitive and uncomfortable, but I don't plan on going into too much detail.**

 **As always, thanks for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

She could feel every bump in the road. Her stomach twisted more with every slight turn that the ambulance made and the bile was rising up in her throat quicker than she could cope with. She could have sworn that they had left Chicago all together, if she hadn't known better. The ride felt longer than it should have.

The paramedic beside her was fussing. It was always what they did. It was only when Erin became the patient for once that she started to resent them. They were as subtle as a brick through a window, prying and poking. The brunette had managed to drown the other woman's words out completely. There were obvious exceptions though, but as much as she wished that it were Brett or someone that she knew instead, Erin just wanted to be left alone.

Erin knew what had happened. She wasn't kidding herself. She could feel her skin crawling in all of the places that his fingers had skimmed agonisingly across, and she could feel the back of her throat aching from the shouting that she had done, that nobody had heard. The shouting that Ty had refused to hear. She could feel every single bruise that had bloomed over her body in the minutes that had passed, and she could feel the ones that were only just staring to take shape. Her thoughts hadn't stopped rattling around in her head since it had happened. They were screaming at her.

Erin didn't want them to know about any of it. She didn't want anyone to know. She didn't want them to know that she had been so stupid and trusting. She didn't want them to know that she had let her guard down for a second. She didn't want anyone to know that she hadn't seen the truth when it was right in front of her. She didn't want anyone to know that she hadn't been able to fight of Ty. She didn't want them to know that she had been-

Erin knew that they all would - if they didn't already, that was. It would spread around the district like wildfire. If the faces that she had seen were anything to go by, what she had seen of them at least, then it would. Without a doubt. She had tucked herself tightly into Jay's chest but she hadn't been comatose. It was as though she had thought if she couldn't see then she couldn't be seen. But it hadn't worked. They had all been standing there. Staring there. Watching her be the victim for once with open eyes and open mouths. It didn't matter that she was in the ambulance now. It was like she could still feel their gazes' on her. Burning into her.

It made her feel sick.

The brunette brought her knees up towards her chest. She tried to focus on her hands, she would bite her nails until there was nothing left if it meant that her head would stop spinning around in circles. Erin flinched as the paramedic's hands brushed against her. She hadn't expected the touch and she didn't want it. Jay's sharp intake of breath met her ears before her own could even leave her mouth. The stranger was cold and her fingers were laced with apologies. She pulled the brunette down gently, pressing a wad of gauze softly against the back of her head. It stung. Erin grit her teeth, trying to ignore it as best she could.

She winced again. Pretending to feel nothing was proving to be harder than she thought it would be. The longer she felt it the more she couldn't breathe.

"Stop." Jay noticed her discomfort before the paramedic did. He noticed the way that her body shuddered with every small intake of hair, and the way that her shoulders tensed more and more with each passing second. It was him that spoke out, not her. "Please."

The paramedic recoiled. Her lips tightened and spread out into a thin line. It was a feeble attempt at an apologetic smile but Jay accepted it. It must have been one of the first times that she had worked a case like that. It wasn't Jays. Or Erin's. The situation wasn't foreign to either of them. It was only the circumstances that had changed. And they had changed everything.

"I think you're gonna need a few stitches."

Jay reached out towards her quickly. His hand was searching for her own. It was resting limply by her side on the gurney. She pulled it away just as swiftly, tugging the sleeves of his hoodie down to cover her fingers before Jay had a chance to intertwine them with his. Erin brought her arms in close to her chest, curling up into the material. Jay could help but let a little frown settle over his face at her actions. He knew that she was hurting in a way that he couldn't possibly understand, and he wanted to be as understanding as he could, but Erin had been so willing to be close to him before. He hadn't expected her to be back then. He wasn't even sure if she had expected herself to do it. It had taken a second for her to be at ease but once she was, she clung onto him as though her life depended on it.

He wanted her to cling again.

If he were being honest, he was still shocked to have heard his name float past her lips instead of Voight's when the ambulance had been ready to leave. He was surprised to hear anything at all. Jay had hoped she would settle as easily after that but it was as though they were right back at square one again. With all that had happened he just wanted to be there for her. He wanted to be the one person that was able to comfort her. He wanted her to be able to trust him. It wasn't like he could protest though. What kind of person would that make him?

He just wanted to be close to her. He just wanted to protect her. He would do it until his dying breath left his lungs.

Their eyes met suddenly.

There was no hostility. There was no shooting glare that told him to stay away. There wasn't a hint of annoyance at all, like he had completely expected there to be. They were soft and vulnerable, and desperate, and nothing like he had seen in them before. Jay could tell that the brunette was making no effort to hide how she really felt with him but her gaze flickered away from him barely after it had met him. It was like she was scared that he would take away what little she had left behind her eyes away from her. Even so, Jay couldn't help but feel a little comforted. At least she was all there. At least she was still with him.

He let out a deep breath. Jay was already kicking himself for what had happened. He had been kicking himself long before anyone had even walked into the house. There was a reason that they all had partners. There was a reason that they always had someone there beside them to watch their back.

There was a reason that Erin had Jay.

It killed him that he had failed her. It killed him that he had failed at the most important job that he had. And in the worst possible way.

The ambulance came to a halt suddenly. Far more suddenly than either of them was prepared for. There was a screech of tires, painfully meeting Erin's ears, but all that Jay could hear was the small whimper that left his partner's mouth. Her eyes darted to Jay again. He could tell that she hadn't meant to make the noise, and she regretted it immediately. The paramedic stumbled over her own feet, falling against the side of the ambulance but Jay ignored her. He stayed as steady as ever.

His only concern was Erin.

His arms reached instinctively out towards her again. He knew that he shouldn't have, given the way that she had reacted before, but he couldn't help himself. She was his priority. She didn't even flinch when his hands made contact.

There was an apologetic voice calling from the very front of the vehicle but neither of them seemed to notice it at all. It was all just background noise. The brunette squeezed her eyes shut again. The frown had returned to Jay's face too. It was starting to become a permanent feature of his but he didn't care at all. He felt like ripping the driver out of his seat and asking him what the hell he was doing, but he knew that that would lead to no good.

They felt the wheels begin to move again. Erin had never been more for the way that they glided smoothly over the tarmac. She settled back into the stretcher, relaxing more than she had before. Jay was still holding onto her tightly. She was almost holding him back. He pushed a loose strand of hair that had fallen over her face behind her ear. She gave him a small smile in return, letting out another breath through her nose. It was far more even and controlled than the previous one. Jay copied her.

The journey didn't seem so long after that. It passed quickly by them without them realising it. Erin had zoned out completely but she was drifting back into reality. She just couldn't stop feeling it. All of it. It didn't matter that she was safe now. She could feel Ty's breath on her neck as though her were still on top of her. She could feel the weight of his body crushing her chest.

Jay's eyes were as fixed on her as they had ever been. It was as though a part of him thought that if he were to take them off of her for even a second, she would come crumbling down. As if she would fall to pieces. That didn't change as they finally stopped at the hospital and the back door of the ambulance popped open beside them.

"I want..." Erin's words trailed off. Away into nothing. Her throat was dry and her tongue was tied. Jay sat up a little straighter as her voice filled the space between them. He moved forward to the edge of the seat that he was on, closer to her. "Wheelchair?"

It was all that she could force out.

She didn't want to be wheeled in there like some casualty. She didn't want to be seen as some incompetent cop that couldn't even hold herself up straight. Even if she were, they didn't need to know that. Nobody did. Erin knew that there wasn't a chance in hell she could walk all the way in there on her own to feet and pretend that everything was fine, but she would be damned if it was on a gurney instead.

The brunette sat up and twisted herself around, shrugging away Jay's grip. She grimaced at the change in position as her legs fell over the edge, dangling down a few inches from the floor. She couldn't help but let her mind drift back to when she had done the same, when Jay had found her. Her stomach turned again. It seemed to be all that it wanted to do that day.

Her legs were shaky. She had expected them to be. Like bambi. But Jay was right there ready to hold her up. She hadn't even had to ask. She wasn't going to let her fall. That was one thing that she knew for certain. But neither was her partner. He motioned with his hands as though he wanted to scoop her back up into his arms. Just like back there. But she shook her head swiftly and sharply.

She could do it by herself.

The step all the way down to the ground, down to the wheelchair that had been brought out for her, was even harder than she had expected for it to be. And she had expected it to be hard. Her legs throbbed, and for the first time since it had happened it wasn't just because of what had happened between them. That was still just as bad. It was a constant reminder. Like a kick to the stomach that never stopped happening. It was just a relief when she was able to sit down again.

Erin closed her eyes as the paramedic wheeled her into the emergency room. She caught a glimpse of the doctor that had been standing, waiting for her outside but she couldn't remember his name. A pang of guilt hit her. She was normally a lot better with those sort of things. They mattered to her. But her mind came up with nothing. Jay followed her, trailing behind all of them like a lost dog.

He wasn't sure what to do with himself.

The brunette rested her head in her right hand, tilting it down towards her lap and covering her eyes with her palm. She didn't care where she was facing as long as it was away from the sight that was in front of her. She knew just as many people at the hospital as she did back at the site, and even more than that knew her too. Erin didn't want to have to face the questioning looks and strange expressions that she knew would be waiting right there for her to see. It was too much to take. Jay did his best to shoot down anything that came their way with the best attempt at an intimidating glare he could muster. He wasn't trying to be an asshole. He knew that they couldn't help their curiosity and shock but he just wished that they would at least try and hide it.

Erin didn't pay much attention to the words that were being thrown about around her. She was familiar with a lot of it but there were still some that she didn't understand. They were strange and intimidating but it didn't matter much to her. There was only one word that she was waiting to hear fly out of one of their mouths, but it never came.

The didn't know a thing. She was grateful for that much.

She was steadier on her feet this time, moving to push herself off of the wheelchair and up onto the bed that was in front of her. It was only then that she realised how exposed she really was. It was only then that she realised how stupid she was for thinking that nobody would know. They weren't stupid.

Her legs were bare and the hoodie covered only an inch or two of them. Jay thought it too. She could see the way that the though flickered across his eyes. He moved instinctively to stand in front of her so that nobody on the outside was able to see in. So that nobody would see the state that she was in. He was just as ready to catch the brunette as he was before too. Erin wished that he wasn't. She couldn't help it. She was starting to wish that he wouldn't treat her as though she were so fragile. She didn't want to be fragile.

Their eyes met again. It was a silent question on his part. The only reply that the brunette offered him on her part was a slight nod.

She was okay. Well, as okay as she could be.

The bed was low. It meant that it didn't take much effort for her to get up onto it. She was glad for that. It was the slightest bit of independence but she would take it. It was slanted up at almost a ninety degree angle, and Erin pressed her back firmly against it. As though she were scared that she would fall without the support. She was just thankful that she didn't have to lie down flat like something on a slab. Like someone in a morgue.

Jay tore his eyes away from her for a second. His cell phone was buzzing against his thigh. He could only imagine who would be trying to get a hold of him. It wouldn't be Voight. It would only be a matter of minutes until the older man was there and forcing his way into the room with them. Jay pulled the iPhone out quickly - it was Burgess - and cancelled the call, tossing the device carefully onto the sheets next to the brunette. He knew that the younger cop was just worried, and probably trying to see if what she had heard was true, but he wasn't going to talk to her. It was impossible timing.

Jay almost had a chance to look back to the Erin, but his attention was commanded to the door all of a sudden. Just in time for him to see the doctor that had walked in with them being pushed aside suddenly, and almost roughly, as his older brother forced his way into the cubicle. The look of worry was evident on his face. It was the same look that they had seen a hundred times on everyone else's, but this was the only time that Jay didn't feel the urge to shut it down. His expression was the same.

"Out," Will said quickly, his words forceful. He had no intention of repeating himself. A nurse that had been next to them scarpered out like a scorned child. He didn't waste a single second, taking a few long strides towards Erin and reaching into his pocket. "I heard what happened. They said something about a head injury."

Erin opened her mouth to speak but her voice crackled and she closed it again quickly. She wasn't even sure what she was supposed to say.

Jay cleared his throat, the sound of his cough echoing around them. "She's okay." He looked back to Erin. He knew as well as she did that she wanted to keep it all on the down low. The last thing that she needed was for him to blurt anything out. But he wanted what was best for her. "Just some pretty bad cuts and bruises. The paramedic said something about stitches on her head. I think she's just shaken up." He knew that it was far more than that. He had to stop himself from telling his brother everything right there and then.

His phone buzzed in his back pocket. It vibrated against his thigh and brought his attention away from the situation. Voight. It wouldn't be long until he was at the hospital too. Jay wasn't sure why he was calling. It wasn't like he was far away. He let it ring out. The older man could wait. Jay placed it quickly atop one of the counters that was by Erin's bed as his brother's voice met his ears again.

Will didn't want to ask too many questions. He knew that he was supposed to and if it were anyone else, he would have, but it was different when it was his brother standing in front of him. And his brother's partner. Will knew that persistence wasn't going to serve him well with them. "Okay." He nodded slowly, taking in the sight that was in front of him. "It's probably best to be on the safe side. You know Voight will have my head if we aren't. So, I'll run some tests, scans, give you some fluids. The usual."

Erin nodded. She was trying her best to pull it together. Will smiled slightly and took another step or to towards her. She didn't mean it, but she couldn't help but recoil slightly. It was involuntarily and she regretted it immediately. It didn't go unnoticed by the doctor either.

Jay cut in before his brother could comment. He could only imagine what would come out if it had the chance, and he didn't want to hear it. "Can you just give us a second?"

"Jay..." Will frowned, turning away from the brunette slightly. "Did she...I mean, I don't think that I should-"

"Please." Jay pleaded, giving his older brother a look that he knew he wouldn't be able to argue with. "Just a second."

Will let out a deep breath, but nodded. "I'll be right outside."

Erin rubbed her eyes with her hands, not watching as the doctor left the room - albeit apprehensively. She was dreading the conversation that awaited her. Jay's eyes were burning into her skin, she could feel his gaze before she even opened her own again. He almost looked as scared as she felt.

"Erin," he sighed, wringing his hands together. He always fidgeted when he was anxious, or when something was wrong. It was something that the brunette had come to learn about him. She could spot it from a mile away. "I know that you don't want to, but we have to tell them what happened."

She spoke quickly and sharply, unlike she had before. She almost felt guilty for the way that her tone stung him. "Nothing happened. Just drop it."

"Erin-"

"No, Jay." It was just like before. Erin knew that if she looked at him for long enough, looked at the destroyed expression that was written all over her partner's face, then she would give into him without a second thought. Just like before. "Please."

He shook himself. He knew that he had to be stronger for her sake. "You have to. We have to." She shook her head again but he ignored it. "Do it for me, Er."

"I can't."

It was all that she could get out. It was the same every time she opened her mouth. Erin hated her voice for abandoning her. She hated that she wasn't the same person that she had been that morning anymore. She knew that she wouldn't be able to admit what really happened out loud. She couldn't even admit it to herself. It wasn't just about what they were going to think of her. That mattered, but it wasn't as bad as what she was going to think of herself. Erin had seen women just like her on days just like today, sitting on beds just like she was and rising and falling just like she had been.

Erin didn't want to be like that.

She didn't want to be a name on a medical chart. She didn't want to be a name on a police report. She didn't want to be a name that was passed around from mouth to mouth, as they spoke about her like some unfortunate victim.

They would all look at her differently. They would all treat her differently. Like she was broken. Like every time they seen her, they thought about what _he_ had taken from her. What she was never going to be able to get back. That wasn't even the worst part of it all. As if it could get any worse.

Erin could try her best to ignore the talk. She had been ignoring talk her whole life. But she could never ignore Jay.

Jay thought for a second. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to convince her, he just knew that he had to. "If they don't know, they can't treat you. And if something is wrong and I stood by and let it happen-" Just like he stood by and let _it_ happened, Jay thought. "I don't think I could forgive myself. So please, just do this for me."

Erin let out a long, deep breath. She didn't want to admit that he was right. She knew the way that these things had to go. "Can you-"

"Sure," he nodded frantically. She hadn't even had to finish her sentence. "Anything you need, Erin."

"Thank you."

"I'll be back in a second," Jay replied softly. He wanted to hold her.

He turned away, his eyes lingering on her for a moment more than they should have. He was almost at the door when Erin opened her mouth again. "Jay?"

He spun around instantly. "Yeah?"

"Not Will."

Jay nodded. He turned away again, pulling the curtain that his brother had drawn in front of the door across before he opened it. Will was standing a few feet away from him, leaning anxiously against the counter and tapping his pen against the chart that was in his hand. He was different from Jay in a lot of ways, but they were both as restless as each other at times such as that. He stopped immediately when he saw the detective.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Jay nodded slowly. The ER was bustling around them both. He could see the curious eyes of a few of Will's colleagues around them, but he tried to ignore them. If he didn't get it all out then, then he never would. He just didn't know where he was supposed to start. "Is it okay if we can get another doctor?" Will frowned confusedly. "A female doctor."

Will's eyes widened slightly. He had been able to guess what had happened, but it was another thing having his suspicions confirmed. "That's fine."

"I don't know what the protocol for..." Jay trailed off.

"It's okay," Will assured him. "Erin's going to need the morning after pill, a HIV cocktail, STD prophylaxis and a pelvic exam." He was rhyming the words off without a second thought. He hadn't even considered what impact the words were going to have on his older brother. "Right?"

"Right," Jay nodded, leaning against the counter beside him. He was struggling to keep himself standing.

"And a rape kit," Will sighed. "You need to find the bastard that did this."

"He's already dead."

Jay couldn't help but feel like he'd betrayed her regardless of the fact that she had let him go. It was hard enough for him to verbalise it all, he couldn't even begin to imagine how she was feeling. Erin didn't deserve any of it. And it was his fault.

 **I am so overwhelmed! Thank you so much for all of your feedback. It means the word to me, honestly. So please keep letting me know what you think and what you want to see. I'm trying to improve my writing in amongst university applications and senior year stress, so seeing that it's liked is more than appreciated.**

 **A/N I started a twitter account, please don't hesitate to come talk! jophiaslove /jophiaslove**


	3. Chapter 3

The lack of sound in the room was beginning to set her teeth on edge. Her fingers were twitching in that same way they always did when anxiety was lacing her thoughts. They wanted to be wrapped up in something. They needed to be busy so that her mind wouldn't be. Erin could feel the low hum of the movement that was flowing just outside of her door more than she could hear it, but she wanted more. It was all happening right under her nose, and she wanted nothing more than to be there with the people that filled the space. She hated not being in the middle of it all. Her brain always functioned best in the midst of chaos. It thoughts began to suffocate her when she was stuck with them alone.

But then again, as much as she wanted to be out there with Jay she wanted to be alone more. Erin wanted to separate herself from the world beyond her hospital bed. They had passed at least a dozen people in the time that had passed since they had left the house but Erin had tried her best not to acknowledge their presence. If she acknowledged the fact that they were there then she would have to deal with the fact that they knew what had happened. She wasn't ready for that. And she had very little intention of doing it any time soon. The more people that the brunette spoke to the more she would have to accept the reality of the situation.

The ringing of the gunshot in her ears was faint but she could still hear it. Erin would be reliving that for more than just a few moments. If she closed her eyes she could almost feel the short rush of air by the left side of her face that accompanied the bullet. As though Jay had fired the gun all over again. Though, every time that she closed her eyes she was forced to remember everything else that had happened before they had found her. That wasn't something that she wanted to relive.

The brunette wished that it would all just go away. She wished that she could stand up on her own two feet and walk out of the ER. Erin would have tried it but she knew that she would be forced back onto the bed before one foot even stepped through the door. She just wanted to forget about it. She wanted to go for a drink and pretend that nothing had happened at all. She wished that she hadn't had been so stupid. It was all her fault.

It didn't take long for the brunette to begin to resent the silence that surrounded her. Erin was more torn than she wanted to be. She couldn't help the confliction. The thing that she wanted to take comfort in the most was the thing that was killing her slowly from the inside out. It provided her with a sanctuary away from expectant gazes and concerned looks that she knew would burn holes straight through her, but she was beginning to crave the anxious thoughts that had been attacking her from every angle before. They were better than nothing at all but they had left almost entirely as Will had. The final dregs of them had drifted away with Jay, swirling down the metaphorical drain and out of earshot. Though, her partner's thoughts were always louder than his words.

It was only then that the reality of the situation really hit her. Erin was alone. She had been by herself from the moment that she had walked into Tawny's house but that was a different story altogether. It had only really become a choice when she had woken up with her hands tied behind her back on that bed. Isolation. It didn't matter who had been around her or what had been happening, and the words that had been spat at her had meant nothing at all. If she focused hard enough it was as though they weren't even there at all, and that's what she did.

Erin had tried her best to tune out. She had tried her best to separate herself from the reality that surrounded her for however many minutes that it went on. It would be harder to deal with in the long run if she faced it head on, she knew that, and there was only so much of a struggle that she was able to put up before it was hopeless. Before she had to give up and wait. It was almost instinctive in a way. It wasn't like the brunette hadn't done it before.

But now the room was empty again. There was nobody. The only thing that was stopping her from being completely and utterly alone was the voice that was inside of her head. The voice that was playing the same words over and over again like some broken record that she didn't want to be hearing. It didn't matter what she did. Erin was stuck with it. Her eyes started to drift around the room momentarily, flickering over the surfaces and items that they met. She had to take her mind off of it all. She had to get away from the thoughts. She had to do something. The brunette could feel her eyes welling up slightly but she had no intention of letting anything spill over. She was going to hold it together even if it killed her.

Erin had been here a thousand times before now, but it was rare that she ever found herself sitting on the other side of the case. It was something that she would always struggle to stomach. There had been more than a few close calls over the past few years that had prompted Voight's overprotective nature to force her to get checked out. It was one of her favourite perks of the job. Not. Erin had always tried to avoid it at all costs. If she was still walking and talking then there couldn't be much to worry about, surely. The last time that she hadn't been able to argue with her boss', or the team's, reasoning was the time that she had been hit by some cyclist and ended up with a concussion. Had she not passed out, Erin would have pulled out any excuse in the book to avoid a trip to the ER. She had been lucky though. Most of the other incidents were few and far between, and she had never been left with more than just a few cuts and bruises. Erin had intended on keeping it that way.

The place was clinical and sterile, and it made her feel sick. It was ironic in a way but it didn't make Erin hate it any less. Every inch of it made her stomach turn and her skin crawl. Not that it needed much more reason to do so. The brunette's eyes fell back onto the bed again. More specifically, the phone that Jay had left behind. It was right next to her goosebump covered legs and calling to her. Maybe she had to be the one that takes control of the situation. She may have been the patient but she sure as hell wasn't going to let herself be a victim now.

The brunette picked up the cell phone carefully offering the door in front of her a final glance just in case there was any movement behind it that was coming her way. The last thing that she wanted was for someone to walk in and try and stop her before she had even done anything, or ask questions that she knew she would struggle to answer. Erin could feel the words getting all jumbled up in her throat before they even had a chance to make their way out. The only thing that the brunette was grateful for was the fact that her thoughts were starting to settle. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than it had been back then. They may not have been pleasant but they were coherent, and that was all that Erin could ask for.

It took a second for her hand to stop shaking. She hadn't even realised that it had been doing it, but she let out a deep breath and slid her finger across the screen. It had always driven Jay crazy that she was able to guess all of his passwords but he had never made it difficult for her. It used to be his own birthday but she had busted his balls for that, so he changed it not long after. Erin had made a point not to let him know that she had figured it out again. Her birthday. She thought that it was nice. It always made her smile, even now.

The brunette scrolled through his list of contacts before finding the one that she had been searching for, and bringing the cell phone up to her ear. It was as though the rings were mocking her. Each one reverberated throughout her head, rattling to and from each side of her skull and causing the bile to rise in her throat. She smoothed her hair back and let out another long deep breath, wincing slightly as her fingers made contact with the cut that was on her scalp. That still needed a stitch.

"Hey," Erin said. The voice on the other end of the line was happier than she expected it to be. It was unnerving. She almost wanted to hang up and save them from what was about to come, but she needed someone. "No, it's Erin." She wasn't calling for a catch up. "I'm downstairs. I need your help. Please."

* * *

"Halstead." The voice boomed through the ER, commanding the attention of those who were there to bear the brunt of it. Jay had been waiting on it from the moment that they had stepped out of the ambulance but somehow it had still managed to catch him off guard. There was a small part of him that was a little surprised that the sound hadn't met his ears sooner than this, though now he wished he hadn't taken the time without it for granted. The situation that he had been thrown into was going to seem relatively calm in comparison to the whirlwind of emotions that Voight was going to bring into the equation. Emotions that he hadn't even counted on making an appearance. It was a war zone inside of Jay's head, one that he was just starting to grow accustomed to, and he could guarantee that the arrival of the older man was just going to make things worse.

Jay turned away from his brother suddenly, searching carefully around the space for the source of the disruption. Many of the eyes in the room were searching too, but it didn't take any of them long to find what they were looking for. Jay hadn't been listening to the young doctor anyway. His thoughts had been drifting away from the conversation ever since Will had rhymed off all of the treatment that Erin was going to have to have. It wasn't like he'd had much control of them in the first place. They had been tossing and turning inside of his head like waves washing shrapnel to the shore. He had been racing through all of the possibilities and consequences, his brain travelling over unchartered territory that he had no idea how to approach.

If Jay were being honest, he would admit that it was all becoming slightly more than he was able to handle. But he would get over it for Erin's sake. It wasn't about him. All that he wanted to do was go back into the cubicle and tell his partner that everything was going to be just fine - even if he wasn't sure whether or not it was ever going to be. It wasn't just Erin that needed convincing.

"Voight."

"Where is she? Where's Erin?" The older man didn't hesitate even slightly. His words echoed around them, each syllable ringing out louder than the last with each stride that he took towards the men. He had spoken before the last letter of his name had even managed to slip off of Jay's tongue. "Is she okay?"

There was a sense of urgency in his voice that even Jay wasn't sure he had heard before.

"She's fine." She wasn't, but Jay replied immediately without a second thought. He knew that she was anything but fine but it was all that he had to offer the older man in terms of reassurance - regardless of whether or not Voight would accept it as the truth. Jay couldn't help but take a slight step backwards as his boss drew nearer to him. It was plain to see that Voight had one thing, and one thing only, on his mind. Jay hadn't expected anything less. Hell, his own mind was tearing him to shreds from the inside out, so he couldn't begin to imagine what was going on inside of Voight's. Despite his familiarity with how daunting facing the older man was, it didn't make Voight any less intimidating when they were eye to eye under these circumstances.

"I want to know everything," he said sharply. He barely acknowledged the doctor that stood beside them. "I want to see Erin."

Voight's gaze didn't falter for even a second. Jay could feel his eyes burning deep into his own, refusing to stand down as though it were all the younger cop's fault that they were there in the first place. Jay was already disgusted with himself for letting what happened happen - he didn't need Voight to making him feel worse. Jay could tell by the way that his boss' jaw had locked, and by the way that his eyebrows were furrowing down and crushing his eyes more with each passing moment, that there wasn't going to be much that anyone could do to talk the older man out of the state that he was in.

Will stepped in before Jay could even try and formulate a reply. "I don't think that's the best idea right now."

"What do you mean it's not the best idea?" Voight spat, mocking his words slightly and taking a slight step towards him. Jay had seen him do that a thousand times, but this time it wasn't for a case or two get someone to talk. Voight was trying to intimidate the doctor because he was just as scared as Jay was. "Like hell I'm going to just stand out here and wait until you get your head out your ass. I want to see her now."

Jay rubbed his eyes and let out a long deep breath, trying to buy himself a few more moments of thought before he said something that he was going to regret. He didn't want to be the one that had to explain it all to the older man. He knew that he might have an idea of what had happened, but someone was going to have to lay out the black and white of everything. Jay knew that it should be him to do it but he couldn't even force himself to take his head out of his hand and look back up to his boss again.

The words left his mouth without him even meaning to let them go. "Put two and two together. I know that you already have, even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. You know what happened. You saw the state that she was in when I carried her out to that ambulance. Now's not the time to put on the tough guy act. We both know that it's not going to do any good for Erin."

Erin, Jay thought. He wanted to kick himself. He couldn't believe that he had left her in there for so long by herself, even if it was only for a few minutes.

"Sergeant." Will spoke again, clearing his throat before continuing, but Jay wasn't listening anymore. The only thing that he was focused on was getting back to his girlfriend. She was all that mattered.

Jay slid the door open carefully, ignoring any protestations that came from the people that he had left talking behind him. He couldn't have cared less about what his boss had to say about it all. He would deal with the fall out when it came to it, but not now. The brunette in front of him was almost exactly how he had left her though, he didn't think it was possible to see her looking more fragile than she already had been until that point. Erin almost looked surprised to see him. It was as though she weren't expecting to see him walking back into the room. He tried not to take her reaction to heart, regardless of how much it protested. There was still a part of him that expected her to tell him to get out, that would tell him to get away from her. He was just grateful that she wanted him around.

"Hey."

He wasn't sure what else to say to her. There was nothing that he could say. Jay wasn't sure whether or not he could cope with many more speechless encounters but it was all that he could manage. He was sick with coming up blank.

"Hey," Erin replied quietly. Her voice sounded even more raspy that it normally did. The brunette was sure that it was due to the lump that hadn't left her throat. She wasn't going to admit that it was the way that her voice went when she was near tears, even to herself. She pulled down the bottom of his hoodie, attempting to cover a little more skin but all that the fabric had to offer her were protestations, refusing to move father over her thighs than it already had. It was only Jay that was standing in front of her. It wasn't as though there was anyone else there that she needed to cover up in front of. She just couldn't help it. Every minute that passed gifted her with a new wave of brief moments that reminded her only of how much she was exposed, and how vulnerable she really was.

Erin wiped her eyes quickly with one of her sleeves. She wasn't sure why she did that either. She knew that there wasn't anything there but she couldn't help but make sure. She didn't want to cry in front of anyone. Even Jay. She wasn't going to cry.

Jay hesitated for a few seconds, wringing his hands together. He wasn't entirely sure what to do with himself. He wasn't sure what he could do. He took a few small steps towards her, wary of his movement. He hadn't counted on her reaction. He knew that it was a possibility but he was hoping for the best. It was slight but he would have noticed it a mile away. Erin recoiled away from him. She moved back into her pillow and closed her eyes tightly. It was barely an inch or so, but it didn't matter to Jay. It broke his heart.

"I'm sorry."

"No. I'm sorry," Erin replied. She closed her eyes against, scrunching her eyebrows down and letting out a quick breath. It was as though the walls around her were closing in around her with each one that she let in and out past her lips. She shook her head slightly and let it fall down to face her lap. She wasn't sure whether or not she could even look him in the eye after that. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. This wasn't supposed to be the way that she acted around her partner. It wasn't like he was going to hurt her. She knew that he wasn't. It was Jay. She just couldn't help it. It made her stomach turn to think about what must have been running through his head at the sight of her. Erin didn't want to be making him feel like it was his fault. It was hers. "I can't-"

The door behind Jay slid open swiftly before Erin had a chance to continue. If it weren't for the disruption he probably would have cut in. He would have been full of reassurance if the sounds would just make it past his lips. It rattled slightly and made them both flinch.

"Erin," Natalie said questioningly, giving Jay a small smile.

He frowned slightly at her arrival, making no effort to hide it from the female doctor. She was the last person that he had expected to turn up. In the split second between the sound meeting his ears and him turning around to see what the source of it was, Jay had prepared himself to come face to face with Voight again. "Natalie? What are you doing here?"

Erin caught the other woman's eye quickly, shaking her head slightly as soon as her partner's gaze wasn't glued to her. She didn't need Jay to know what she had done. Though, if he were to look at his own call history then it was likely that he would be able to work it all out for himself. Erin just couldn't deal with the questions. It was the last thing that she needed.

Natalie caught on immediately. Erin was grateful for that much, though she couldn't ignore the anxiety that was rising in her chest with each second that passed the trio by. "Oh." She had to think for a brief moment. She knew that she had to say something that wouldn't be caught out. "I heard what happened. You know what it's like here. I caught them saying something about needing a female doctor. I figured that a familiar face might be nice."

Erin mouthed a quick 'thanks', pushing herself up with both arms and wincing slightly at the movement. She needed some fresh air.

"Good," Jay smiled slightly, running a hand through his hair.

Erin took a long, slow breath in.

"Are you okay?" Natalie said softly, moving closer to the detective on the bed.

"Perfect," Erin replied in a whisper. She closed her eyes and tried to ignore the looks that she was receiving from both sides of the bed, regardless of how much she could feel them burning into her skin. It was the feeling in her chest that she couldn't ignore, and the way that her head was beginning to spin more and more with each inhale and exhale. The bile rising in her throat was a feeling that she was more than familiar with but it was never one that she welcomed with open arms. It only took a few more seconds before she found herself emptying the contents of her stomach onto the bed sheets in front of her.

Natalie jumped in before Jay had a chance to say or do anything at all, pulling the brunette's hair back and away from her face until she finished. "You're okay." She pulled a hair tie off of her wrist quickly, using it to keep Erin's away from her mouth before leaning over and pulling a small, brown container from underneath the bed and placing it gently on top of her lap. "We'll get you cleaned up. Don't worry."

"It's okay, Er." Jay couldn't even try to hide his worry. It was etched all over his face. All he wanted to do was take her into his arms and wait until this all passed them by. He would have settled for a hand on her back, comforting her until she didn't need him to, but judging by her previous reaction he figured that it might not be the best of ideas. Jay watched as his partner wiped a strand of saliva away from her mouth and leaned back into the bed, letting out a sigh of relief that was long overdue. "It's okay."

"I think you should go," Natalie said, looking up to Jay without an ounce of hesitation.

"What?" Jay shook his head. It was the last thing that he wanted to do. He had left her before and that had been hard enough, he wasn't about to do it again. "No. I'm not leaving her."

"I have to examine her," she continued. "And I'm not sure she wants you around for that."

Jay frowned. "What are you talking about? You want me here Erin, right?"

Erin barely made eye contact with him, resting her head on the pillow behind her before she opened her mouth. "Please, Jay. Just go."

 ** _Sorry about the long wait. I don't have an excuse. I just can never seem to write much these days. I hope everyone had a great Christmas, or Hanukkah, or whatever you do/don't celebrate. Please give me a follow on Twitter, I'd love to meet some new people (jophiaslove)!_**

 ** _As always I am blown away by the response that this story gets. This chapter was a little on the boring side but I've already started on the next one. So, you can expect the Erin/Natalie scene that follows this chapter (incl. a not so nice experience on Erin's side of things) and Jay and Hank talking a little. Thank you again, please let me know what you think and what you want to see!_**


	4. Chapter 4

Erin let out a long, deep breath as she watched the last traces of her partner disappear beyond the trauma room door. She could feel it shuddering through her entire body like an earthquake from the inside out. She looked down to the bed below her. The little contents that had filled her stomach were staring back up at her, a sore reminder of the shame that she couldn't seem to get away from. Her throat had been aching from the bile that had stung it on the way up and her head hadn't stopped spinning from the moment that it had happened, but she was trying her best to ignore it and get it as far out of her mind as possible. She just wanted to stop feeling it. She just wanted to stop feeling everything.

She wasn't sure why all it had taken for the cracks in the facade that she was trying to put on to start to show, was Jay leaving. It wasn't as though she had ever made a habit of opening up to Natalie before. That wasn't the reason. She barely even opened up to her partner and he was...her partner. In everything that they did.

Except this, clearly. She wouldn't let him in. Erin knew that she should have, but she just couldn't. She couldn't subject him to it all too. She'd had his back before but it wasn't so easy when things were the other way around.

"Hey," the doctor said as she noticed the expression that had etched itself all over Erin's face. The detective hadn't even had a chance to hit it. The tears were already threatening to fall again and this time Erin wasn't sure whether or not she could hold them in. "It's going to be okay. Trust me."

Erin inhaled through her nose and exhaled through her mouth, attempting to settle her breathing as best she could before she replied. She seemed to be doing that a lot more recently. Her face changed from the grimace that it had settled on to a slight frown as she looked up to Natalie. Her thoughts couldn't help but linger on the other woman's words. Was everything going to be okay? How could it ever be. It didn't feel like it ever could again. Erin definitely didn't feel like she ever would. She felt dirty. She felt used. She felt like a stranger stuck beneath her own skin. Most of all, she felt ashamed that she had pushed Jay away from her yet again when all he was trying to do was be there for her. It was something that she was going to need, so why did she make him leave? It was just one more thing that was all her fault though she was beginning to get used to it now. "Is it?"

Natalie took a second before nodding. She had never known Erin all that well, but she knew one thing for certain. She could offer Erin that at least. "You're one of the strongest people that I have ever met." She tilted her head to the side slightly, attempting to catch the detective's eye when she wouldn't look at her again. "And I've met a lot of people." The joke hadn't fallen completely flat but Erin's gaze remained down. It hadn't done much to reassure her, but it was something. "I don't know whether it's the CPD in you, or if it's just you, but either way you're going to get through this."

Erin nodded slightly, puffing out her cheeks and letting a little air escape past her lips. She appreciated what Natalie was trying to do but she couldn't accept it regardless of how much she wanted to. "Thank you."

The doctor continued. She wanted to keep her talking for as long as she could now that she had her attention. "I'm sorry about earlier. I forced your hand with Jay and I shouldn't have."

It was true. Natalie wasn't entirely sure why she had jumped the gun so quickly. She was kicking herself for it now though. It was her fault that the level of tension in the room had skyrocketed. It had happened the very second that she had walked through the door. But if the reaction that Erin had to that was anything to go by, then it wasn't going to get much easier for any of them if he stayed and things had started to go south. "I can go back out and-"

"No," Erin replied quickly before Natalie could get another word in, cutting her off completely. It was almost too quick. "You were right about it. I don't want him to see my like this for any longer than he already has. I can't take it. The way that he looks at me. It's like he thinks that if he tears his eyes away from me for even a second I might just burst into flames in front of him." Erin's head shot up. Natalie had expected her outburst just about as much as Erin had intended on it happening. She didn't feel strong at all, but it was comforting to know that Natalie looked at her as though she were. As much as she regretted making Jay leave, she knew that she didn't really want him there at all. It was too late now anyway. He probably hated her for what she had done. "Can we just get this over with? Please."

"Sure," Natalie sighed. She didn't want to push the subject any further than she already had and she knew that the last thing that the detective needed was for her prying words to be rattling around in her skull. "The sooner that we do, the sooner we can get you cleaned up." She had to stop herself from adding in a mention of the examination that was yet to come. Erin deserved a few more minutes without that thought on her mind. She was grateful that Erin had brushed off the way that she had crossed the line so easily. The least that she could do was be quick about it all. She owed Erin that much. She pulled a small torch out from her coat, much like the one that Will had grabbed only a few minutes earlier, and moved a finger slowly across Erin's line of vision as she clicked it on. The detective scrunched up her eyes instinctively, shielding her eyes from the brightness of the light that hit them and wincing. Natalie offered her a small, apologetic smile as she clicked it back off again. As much as they both wanted the process to be over and done with, Natalie had to be as thorough as possible and she couldn't let Erin go until she was sure everything was okay. "Any dizziness or nausea?"

Erin gave her a small shrug. She was starting to forget what it felt not to be feeling them. "A little of both, I guess."

"A little?" Natalie responded with a question, but Erin only nodded in response. She didn't need the doctor to patronise her. She couldn't tell whether or not she was satisfied with what she had seen, or what she had heard. The detective's eyes followed her around as she moved to the side to take a look at her scalp, hissing as Natalie pulled back the sodden gauze that had been covering the laceration. Erin had almost forgotten about it until then, but now it was thumping harder than ever before. "The bleeding's just about stopped but it's definitely going to need a stitch, or a staple at least. Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to send you up for a CT. I know you want out of here but I don't want to be on the receiving end of Hank Voight's wrath if we miss something."

The detective huffed. She couldn't have cared less about what Hank thought. It had nothing to do with him. Though, she cared about how he would act. Erin had barely even thought about the prospect of facing him. She had heard his voice booming from outside of her door a few minutes after Jay had left, and she had prayed that he wouldn't come in without even realising what she was doing. There was a part of her that didn't think she could do it at all. She was scared that he would start looking at her like she was broken too. She could deal with Jay doing it - barely - but Hank was another story. Erin forced the thought out of her mind. It could wait. "Great."

"Sarcasm," Natalie smiled again, covering the cut up with a fresh piece of gauze. She knew that the joking was never going to do much good but she couldn't help but try. "That's something."

Erin looked down to her lap again. It was all that it took for the doctor to realise that she should have kept her mouth shut. The detective wanted to say something witty in response but she could get the words right. She could have laughed at Natalie's. Erin was staring at what was left of her dignity and pride in the rearview mirror but hey, at least she still had her sarcasm to keep her going instead. "No CT. Just the stitch."

"Erin..." Natalie protested immediately.

Erin shook her head. As much as she didn't want to face the world that was waiting for her beyond the bed that she was sitting on, she couldn't wait for the moment that she could leave it behind her. The walls were suffocating. Her lungs felt as though they were shrivelling up inside of her more and more with each passing second. She needed out. "I just want to go home."

Natalie couldn't ignore it this time. She knew that she was supposed to be empathetic, but restrained. It was all a part of her job. She just couldn't ignore it this time. The way that the detective looked at her. Pleaded with her as though she were all that she had left. It was a vulnerability that she hadn't seen in Erin before. It was a vulnerability that Natalie wasn't sure she had seen in anyone before. It pierced through her body and caused an ache in her heart that she had only ever felt a handful of time in her career. In her life. All she wanted to do was help. She had to help.

"Okay."

"Please." She couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't just push it all away and pretend like it never happened. His hands still felt like they were on her skin, burning through the layers and crushing her bones. They grabbed at her and held her down, pulling at flesh that Erin knew she was never going to be able to look at the same way again. Flesh that she was never going to be able to let anyone touch the same way again. It would only make her think of him, and she couldn't do it. His hands weren't even there but it didn't make a difference. There was a pain between her legs. It came back to her slowly as though any adrenaline, that she hadn't felt, was starting to wear off now. Erin was almost grateful in a way. At least she was feeling something new. Something that she could focus her attention on instead. But it was worse than a cramp. It was a stabbing deep within her abdomen that she had never felt before. As much as she didn't want to let it be, it was only a reminder of what had happened. It taunted her more with each millisecond that drifted by her agonisingly slowly. "Please. Let me go home, Nat."

Natalie let out a slow deep breath, gritting her teeth as she thought of what the right move was. She had to keep it together but she was struggling. "Let's get you into a gown. One step at a time."

Erin nodded at the doctor's words. She was right. "One step at a time."

She pushed herself over to the edge of the bed, grimacing at the aching that radiated throughout her body at the movement. There were muscles that she didn't even know she had that were aching, and she couldn't help but feel like she were going to puke all over again onto the ground - but she stopped herself. If she couldn't get through just standing herself up then what hope did she have at all? Erin ignored the hand that was outstretched to her. She could do it by herself. She had to do it by herself.

Natalie knew that the other woman wasn't trying to be rude. She was kicking herself for even trying it. "I can help you get it on, or I could get a nurse if you'd feel more comfortable?"

"No," Erin replied, swing her legs to the side and letting them dangle just above the floor. She didn't want anyone else to be involved. They wouldn't be able to keep their mouths shut and she couldn't take anymore of the inevitable pity stares.

"No help? Or no nurse."

"No nurse."

"Okay," Natalie smiled softly.

Erin flinchd as her feet made contact with the cold ground. It was long enough for her to be uncomfortable but not long enough for her to care. She wouldn't let her mind linger on it. The only thing that she was trying to focus on was remaining steadier on her feet than she had been when she had first been brought in. It wasn't in vain, her balance barely faltered. She couldn't help but be grateful for that much, even if it meant very little in the grand scheme of things.

There was a few spots of blood on the white sheets where she had been sitting. Natalie's eyes darted to the bed immediately, but she didn't want to worry Erin at all. It was to be expected. She just hadn't seen it before now.

The detective pushed a loose strand of hair away from her face with one hand while the other searched for the zipper that was near her chest.

She had barely had the chance to pull it down more than an inch before she felt the bile rising in her throat all over again. It was like she was right back there again. The simplest of sounds had transported her back into her worst nightmare, taking pleasure in each second that it tormented her - just as he had. She wouldn think of that sound for the rest of her life. It made her remember the way that the button on her jeans had popped off completely, betraying her without a single ounce of hesitation, and the way that they had been torn down as though they were paper thin. Erin could remember the exact way that he had dragged his knife down her chest, sneering at her more each time she recoiled, and how he ripped at her shirt until there was nothing left that could cover her. She didn't want to remember. She had to stop.

She had to stop her hands from shaking the way that they were. She had to stop the air from hitching in her throat when all she wanted to do was breath. She had to stop the strangled cry that was leaving her mouth, but it continued without permission. But she couldn't. She couldn't stop any of it.

She was supposed to stop him.

* * *

He didn't know what he was supposed to be thinking. Erin had been so willing to have him around before. The had been highs and lows even just in the few moments that they had been together, but she had _asked_ for him. Jay had been so thankful that she had let him be there for her. It was all that he had ever wanted. The circumstances were different from what he had imagined them to be, but his feelings would always stay the same. He didn't want to run away from all of the problems that faced her now, or hide like he wasn't ready to take them on as his own too in a heartbeat if she would let him. But she had told him to leave. All of the hope that Jay had for them getting through all of it together was shredded to pieces in an instant. He wanted to blame it on Natalie. It was her entrance that had prompted the change. He knew that it wouldn't do any of them much good to do that though.

Jay hadn't stopped pacing ever since they had been led to the waiting area by Will. He couldn't help it. At first it was good to at least try and focus on putting one foot in front of the other instead of letting his mind be completely consumed by anxiety ridden thoughts, but the novelty had worn off quickly. He had started to do it unconsciously.

The guys had arrived not too long after Voight had. Their arrival had somewhat managed to diffuse the tension that laced the situation, and Jay had been grateful for that much when he had left Erin's room. Though he had been hung up on what had happened it was a relief that there was one less thing for him to confront. Ruzek and Atwater had pulled him in for the type of embrace that they saved only for the most dire of situations. It conveyed more emotion that their words ever could but Jay wasn't sure whether he could have found comfort in them. Antonio had placed a well meaning hand on his shoulder and Olinski had surpassed him completely for Voight. Jay barely noticed it though. He wasn't paying much attention. He didn't care much about anyone other than his partner.

They had all sat down with the exception of Jay and Adam. The younger cop had settled for leaning ridgely against the wall, unlike the detective who couldn't settle his legs. The silence was growing to be uncomfortable but the only words that mattered to Jay were those that carried news about Erin. He didn't want to fill the time with meaningless small talk.

"Jay-" But he certainly didn't want to talk about what had happened.

"So," Jay said, cutting him off completely before he could any further. He didn't want their condolences and he didn't want them to tell him to sit down. "You got Tawny and Spence?"

Antonio cleared his throat, understanding what he was trying to do - or rather, what he was trying not to do. He answered the detective before anyone else did. "They're both in custody."

"At least someone is going to get some justice," Jay nodded absentmindedly. It didn't feel like it was going to be justice for Erin. He wasn't sure if she would ever get it. There was a part of Jay that wished he hadn't put a bullet through the bastard's skull just so that they had the chance to see him rot for what he had done. She would have wanted to know about the others. But not now. She would have wanted to be the one that told the 14 year old victim that they had caught the bad guys. But not now.

"I want you to leave," Hank said. His voice cut through the room like a knife. All eyes darted to him as he spoke. He always seemed to have that effect on a room. He hadn't acknowledged the conversation that had been going on in front of him at all. His gaze had been directed straight in front of him, unfocused and looking at nothing of much importance. His ears had cancelled out any trace of sound that had been around him. Until now. His mind was firmly made up.

Jay frowned. He folded his arms over his chest as he stopped in his tracks, almost tripping over his own feet from the sudden movement. He almost didn't believe what he had heard. "What?"

"All of you. Get out of here," Hank replied. "I'm not asking you. It's an order."

"I'm not going anywhere." Jay shook his head as the words left his mouth. There wasn't a chance.

Voight mimicked him, shaking his head. His jaw clenched in that way that it always did when he didn't quite get his way. It was intimidating at the best of times, but Jay didn't move. "I don't make a habit of telling people twice, Halstead."

Jay stood his ground. He didn't care that it was his boss. "I said I'm not going anywhere."

"You're not her family."

There wasn't a chance in hell that he was going to leave. It didn't matter what anyone had to say to him. It didn't matter how much people would try and tell him what to do. Even if he wanted to - even in some twisted alternate reality - he would never be able to step foot out of the building regardless of how hard he tried. He could barely stomach the prospect. He could barely stomach being this far away from Erin as it was. He didn't care about 'orders'. "I'm her partner. I'm not leaving her now."

Voight scoffed. He brought his hands to the arms of his chair, pushing himself up with little effort and taking a long stride towards the younger man. "That's funny. I thought that partners were supposed to have each others' back."

Ruzek didn't hesitate. He could see the way that things were going, and he wouldn't think twice about standing between the pair. He couldn't help but try and be the voice of reason, despite how ineffective it always seemed to be. His heart was in the right place. Jay wished that he would just mind his own business. "It's not like that Serg. He couldn't have known. None of us-"

"I'm not talking to you." Voight's head turned but he never made eye contact with the young cop. "I'm talking to him." He pushed a finger against Jay's chest. Voight's gaze moved back up to Jay, burning into the detective's skull more and more with each moment that passed them by. "You're not her family. You failed her as a partner. You're nothing. As far as I'm concerned, you have no place here. So why the hell are you still in front of me."

Olinski spoke calmly from behind the Sergeant. "Reign it in, Hank."

"I want you gone."

Jay took a small step forward.

"Are you going to make me?"

* * *

Erin gripped the sheets. Hard. Both of her hands were pressed down against the bed and her fingers were starting to ache, but she couldn't seem to let go. She ignored it. Though, she'd much rather have been feeling that than what was going on inside of her head. Her eyes were squeezed together. It didn't matter whether or not they were opened or closed. She wasn't sure she was ever going to escape it. Being back there all over again. It was worse than just the zipper. She knew that Natalie was only trying to do her job, she knew that she only wanted what was best for her, but Erin was struggling to bear it and it hadn't even started yet.

It had been easier to get her into a gown than either of them had expected for it to be. Her muscles had protested against the movement, the pain radiating through her joints, but she pushed past it yet again. Jay's hoodie had been left in a heap in the corner of the room. Erin couldn't help but hope that it wasn't a favourite of his. It was a stupid thought to have but it was the only one the seemed to come to mind when she looked at it. It was only when she peeled it off that she realised how much it smelled like him. She missed it.

Erin had watched as Natalie had stripped the sheet off the thin mattress she had been laying on. It was discarded as easily as the hoodie had been. She had pulled out another from a cabinet by the side of the bed. Erin felt lucky that there was one in there. Lucky that Natalie hadn't had to leave the room in search of another one. Lucky that Natalie hadn't had to leave her.

A hand gripped her own. Her eyes shot open.

For a second she had forgotten that she wasn't alone. Maybe it was due to the fact that she could still feel his body crushing her own as if he were still there. As though he were still forcing himself on top of her despite how much she had screamed. It made her throat hurt when she swallowed. His breath was as fresh in her ear as it had been when it had first passed through his lips. Her's was getting stuck in her lungs before it even had a chance.

Natalie smiled softly. Erin was beginning to hate when she did that. The last thing that she felt like doing was smile. The doctor leaned to the side slightly, searching for Erin's eyes. Her legs were bent, a light blue sheet acting as a wall between the pair. It was draped over her knees and made the detective nothing but anxious. She knew that there wasn't much to see, but she hated feeling like there was something going on that she didn't know about. Their eyes met momentarily.

"I have to examine you for any internal tears or injuries."

Erin hadn't realised that she was still shaking. She couldn't stop it. It didn't matter how much she tried. Natalie made it all sound so serious. "I feel fine. We don't have to do this."

Natalie thought for a moment. There was no easy way to do it. She had stopped moving the second that she had heard whimpering from the bed, peeling off the gloves that she had only just put on. The sight of the detective was enough. "I have to, Erin."

"Honestly," Erin replied. It was a complete lie, Natalie knew that as well as Erin did, but it was all that she could come up with. She couldn't do it. She couldn't put herself through it. She couldn't deal with the images that were flooding her mind. Erin shook her head. She couldn't let the doctor examine her. "I'm not even that sore anymore. I'm just tired. I want to go home."

"I'm not going to be able to tell the extent of the damage until I have a look," Natalie pleaded. She squeezed the other woman's hand in an attempt to reassure her, but it didn't do much. "You were rap-"

Erin wouldn't let her finished. She yanked her hand away, holding it close to her chest. "No." She wasn't raped. "I was attacked." She couldn't use _that_ word. "He didn't do that."

"Erin..."

"If I say it out loud then it becomes real." Erin closed her eyes again, resting her head back against the pillow that was behind it. "I can't do it."

 **Slightly more interesting chapter this time around. I can't believe we're close to hitting 100 reviews and it's only chapter 4. I know they aren't much to go by, but it's great to see the response that this story gets. One thing - I've had a couple of questions about the way that time passes in this story. I'm just trying to cram in a lot of thoughts and feelings (of what seems like an hour) into what should only be like 5 minutes, and it might come out as a little unrealistic, so I'm trying to get a little better at that.**

 **What's everything thinking of the new eps? I've loved them. It sucks that Erin never seems to get her happy ending, but Jay's got her back. Right?**

 **As always, let me know what you think and feel free to come talk to me on Twitter (jophiaslove) :)**


	5. Chapter 5

There was a dull aching in her neck. It wasn't what had woken her up, not entirely at least, but it hadn't done much to make her feel comfortable. Her head had dropped to the side and forced her back into the reality that was waiting for her, as though she had fallen down a deep, dark hole in her dream too. Erin stretched her legs out across the sheets. They were cool and soothing, and for a second she almost thought that she was back in her own bed. Just a second. The brunette brought a hand to her face with the intention of rubbing the little sleep in her eyes away, but she felt something hard before she had the chance. She flinched. Erin's breath hitched in her throat and her eyes darted wide open, the last dregs of drowsiness disappearing as she saw the clip that was attached to the tip of her left index finger. She blinked a few times, trying to focus her eyes and concentrate on her surroundings but she couldn't shake the exhaustion that was still consuming her. Erin turned her head back until she was staring at the ceiling.

It didn't take long at all for Erin to remember where she was. The sinking realisation had hit her all too suddenly. The beeping in her ears was enough to turn her stomach alone, but the faint antiseptic smell that burned in her nostrils only made her feel worse. It only took a few moments for the memory of how she had gotten herself there to come back to her completely. It didn't come back gently. Not that Erin had expected it to. It flooded back into her head unapologetically and without warning. She squeezed her eyes shut as hard as she could, as though it were going to make any difference at all. It didn't - but it was all that she could do. Erin knew that they weren't going to leave her alone any time soon. It didn't matter how hard she tried to make them.

Was that the way that it was always going to be now? Was this all that she had to look forward to?

Sleep was all that she had left to count on. It was the only thing that hadn't been ripped away from her. It was the only hope that she had left at an escape and she wasn't about to give it away now. There was no way that she was going to be able to cope without that sanctuary. Erin'd had more nightmares than hot meals in her lifetime, and though she was grateful that she had been able to evade one this time around she knew that they would be coming for her soon enough. Her sleep had been heavy and dreamless, although brief, but it was more than she could have asked for.

The only thing that could have made it better was if she hadn't woken up at all.

She could feel them looming on the horizon already. The nightmares. Erin wasn't sure if she would be able to deal with them now. There had been more than one occasion that she hadn't been the only one waking up in a panic, panting and spluttering her way out of whatever had been plaguing her mind - but it never seemed to get any easier. She hated having to put Jay through it too. There was a small voice in the back of her head that did nothing but taunt her - tell her that she wasn't strong enough, reinforcing insecurities that she tried to forget about.

It didn't matter anyway. Erin wasn't tired anymore.

That was a lie. Erin wasn't really sure who she was trying to kid. Her eyes were still stinging and all that she wanted to do was slip back out of consciousness and away from the world, but she wasn't about to find out what was waiting there for her. She wished that she could just sink away and never find her way back up to the surface. It would be for the best anyway.

There wasn't much light in the room. There was a lamp to the side of her bed but it didn't do much to illuminate the space around her. The bulb probably hadn't been changed since it had first been switched on. Erin could almost see the corridor out of the corner of her eye. There was a little movement beyond the small spaces between the blinds' slats but she didn't much like searching it out.

She knew that she should have gotten up and called for a nurse, or something. Anything. It wasn't as though she was completely incapacitated. She just couldn't bring herself to look away from the ceiling. Her eyes were focused on the white panels above as though her life depended on it. Erin couldn't tell what time it was. It was darker than it had been before. The brunette thought back to the ER. It almost felt as though it had all happened days ago but Erin knew that it couldn't have been more than a few hours at most. Surely. Erin had to force her thoughts away from it all again. She knew that she would just get caught back up in everything that she had been feeling during the examination, and that wasn't something that she wanted to be feeling again. She just wanted to pretend like none of it had ever happened in the first place.

Natalie had been good to her. It was more than she had deserved. After their conversation, Erin had realised that the doctor was right. She hadn't said it in so many words but there was a sense of urgency in her voice that told Erin that she just had to push through it. Zone out. She had to detach herself from what she was feeling and get it over with sooner rather than later. She had tried her best to. She knew that it was the only way that she was going to be able to get through it. If she waited any longer then it would have just gotten worse and she would have crumbled completely. But just the thought of the doctor's hands in places that _his_ hands had been was enough to made the brunette want to scream until her face turned blue.

Erin wanted to kick herself for falling apart the way that she was. It wasn't her. It wasn't the way that _she_ dealt with things and she hated herself for it. Her feelings were too messy. They were always too messy. She just couldn't ignore them this time.

Her head wasn't hurting nearly as much as it had been before when it had been poked and prodded at, but Erin could still feel the dull ache that the doctor had left behind. She couldn't ignore _that._ The brunette reached a hand up, for a moment forgetting that her head wasn't the only thing that was sore, and gently ran her fingers over the area that Natalie had given her a few staples. Erin hated having to wash blood out of her hair. She inhaled sharply as she accidently pushed down on her scalp in the wrong place, a sharp pain radiating through her whole head. She'd had hangovers that were worse but it didn't stop it from hurting like a bitch.

Erin wasn't entirely sure how Natalie had managed to figure it all out for her. She couldn't remember the doctor talking to anyone that wasn't her, nevermind outside of the cubicle that she was in, but as soon as she had pulled the pair of thin, blue gloves off of her hands, a nurse had appeared next to them with a pitying look and small smile. It hadn't been long after that that they had moved out of the ER and gone up a few floors. The journey had gone by in a blur. It felt as though she had missed it all but Erin wasn't complaining. She could remember seeing a few faces that she didn't really know, and staring into the silver reflective metal of the elevator doors when they had closed. Staring at herself. That was about it.

One second she was being helped onto a rickety chair with a wheel that kept getting stuck as it moved, and the next she was waking up in the hospital bed that she was in now. Erin couldn't even remember falling asleep in the first place.

It all seemed to come back to her now though. There was one memory that seemed to pierce through her mind more than the others. Erin could remember how she craved a familiar face but how there had been nobody there to offer her one. Nobody at all. She could remember half-heartedly scanning through the swarm of people that had surrounded her, searching for any trace of her partner, but Jay was nowhere to be seen. Neither was Voight. It didn't make any sense to her. Jay had been so panicked before. Erin could only imagine how much Hank would have been freaking out too. He always did when she was in trouble. And yet, neither of them had been there by her side.

Maybe they had both finally came to their senses. Erin couldn't blame them really. She knew that she had been an idiot going in there without backup. It was only a matter of time before they started to realise that she was one too. Maybe they had realised what a pathetic excuse for a cop she actually was. She didn't deserve their support. Erin frowned as the thoughts flooded her mind. It was all her fault that this had happened in the first place. She had nobody to blame but herself.

There was a rustle next to her. She felt the sheets being pulled on slightly and the mattress to her right dipping down slightly. Her gaze darted down. There was a pair of light eyes staring back up into her own. Erin didn't know what she was supposed to say, what she could say, so she settled for saying nothing at all. His eyes were worried and vulnerable, and everything that Erin had expected to see in them - as much as she couldn't help but think that Jay shouldn't care about her at all.

He let a small smile fall across his lips. It was tight and sad, and a pure excuse for a greeting. Jay wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to her either. The silence did nothing but fill both detectives with anxiety. Erin didn't blame him. She wouldn't know what to say to her either if she was in his position.

There was a buzz on the cabinet beside the bed. Jay's gaze moved away from her for the first time since he had woken up. It was his cell phone. It was only when he looked to the source of the light that Erin finally saw it. She couldn't help but let a gasp escape past her lips. "What did you do?" Erin frowned again. Her voice was even quieter than she had expected it to be. It was a wonder than Jay even heard her at all.

She reached out towards him with her right hand. He was just about close to her that she was able to cup his cheek in her palm. She traced a thumb lightly across the dark bruise that had begun to form next to his eye.

Jay winced slightly at her touch, not realising just how painful it really was, but he leaned into her hand anyway. It was good to be close to her again. It didn't matter how fresh and sore that it was. He would put himself through ten times worse for her any day of the week. "It's okay. It looks worse than it is."

"Are you sure about that one?" Erin replied, her eyebrows still furrowed down as deeply as before. She had seen the way that he had grimaced. It wasn't pretty. The brunette shook herself. She should never have even touched him in the first place. She pulled her hand back and brought it in close to her chest, cupping it with her other. It only took a second for all the possible scenarios to start pouring into her mind. There wasn't many ways that he could have gotten that sitting in a hospital waiting room - if that was even where he had been. There was one that stood out more than the rest. "Did Voight do that to you?"

Jay tried to hide his disappointment at the way that she had recoiled but he knew that his attempts were feeble. She didn't want him to touch her earlier, which was fine. He understood. But now even she couldn't touch him without wanting to run a mile. It was like two steps forward and one step back. "You know, he's really worried about you Erin." Jay placed his hand over hers without even thinking, squeezing it gently as he spoke. He knew that he shouldn't have done it but he couldn't help himself. He just needed to be near her. If it ended in tears then he would take the blame.

But she didn't move.

"Jay..." she tilted her head slightly as she replied to him. He could never lie to her when she was looking at him like that. Erin knew it too. She lowered her voice to a tone that he was all too familiar with. If it weren't for the circumstances, he could have smiled at the way she was letting her usual self shine through. He was lapping it up like the first rays of sun after a winter in Chicago. There was no way that Erin was going to let him dodge the question though.

He knew that he couldn't hide the truth from her even if he wanted to. It would come out in the end whether he liked it or not. It always did. Jay just wasn't sure how he was supposed to word it in a way that wouldn't cause her any more stress than she was already under. "He wanted me to leave and I refused. I couldn't just go."

Erin almost let herself take comfort in his last words. He couldn't go. He couldn't leave her. Her mind drifted back to the problem before she could think any more about it. "So he swung for you?"

Jay looked down to his lap before he continued. He didn't want to see her reaction. He didn't want to see the little light that had returned to her eyes disappear all over again. It would just make him feel worse. He shouldn't have provoked their boss. They were all feeling the same things. They were all just as worried about Erin as each other. "It got a little heated. He thinks that I was...that I _am_ shitty partner." Jay shook his head at his own words. He didn't want to place the blame on anyone but himself. "I mean, that doesn't even begin to cover it. He's right. I should never have let you go in there alone. And now..." He trailed off. He couldn't keep going. He was already going over and over every single thing that had happened in his head and saying it out loud wasn't going to be any easier. It wouldn't help either of them.

There was a pause. A moment of silence between him that just about tore Jay apart at the seams. And then she squeezed his hand back. "It isn't your fault, Jay. I'm fine."

"But you're not, Er." He looked up to her, his blue eyes meeting her hazel gaze. There was a tiredness in them that Erin hadn't seen before. Jay's eyes drifted downwards slightly, running over the bruising near her eye and the cut on her lip. They lowered themselves again until all that he could see was his own legs. "I don't know how I'm supposed to forgive myself for letting this happen."

"You weren't the one that let it happen."

Jay wanted to reply but there was a knock at the door that drew them away from each other. There was a part of Erin that was almost grateful from the brief distraction. She could feel herself breaking, ready to crumble. She could feel it all getting too much, For a moment, the brunette half expected to see Voight standing by the room's entrance. It was a flutter in her stomach that made her realise just how much she wanted him to be there too. How much she needed him there. But it wasn't him.

It was another nurse. One that she hadn't seen before. There was no exception to the sympathetic expression tradition that they seemed to follow. The older woman had begun saying a few words to Erin but the detective's mind had wandered away from her almost immediately, letting the noise fade effortlessly into the background. She looked back to Jay. Her partner was gazing at the nurse intently. He hadn't even noticed that she had turned off from the conversation. If all else failed at lease Erin knew that she could count on her partner to take in anything important that she was ignoring.

"...I'll get you some water for them." The nurse placed a small cup on top of the table that hovered above Erin's legs. The brunette could see the silhouette of a handful of pills that were inside the cup. It was just about the right size for a shot. She could have gone a drink right about now. Erin took a breath as Natalie's words from earlier took their chance to play over in her head again. The detective hadn't hadn't let the doctor give her more than a few advil when she had been putting her head back together. She didn't want anymore pain relief. She wasn't sure if she could trust herself with that again. She wasn't sure if she wanted to stop feeling it either.

"What are those?" Erin asked bluntly, her voice cutting through the nurse's own stream of words. She could tell by the look on Jay's face that the older woman had already told her, but she hadn't been listening. She didn't care though. Not about that anyway. "Is it pain medication?"

"Nope." The older woman shook her head, ignoring the way that Erin spoke to her. She couldn't have been much more than forty or so, and Erin could tell that she was the type of person that loved her job even on the hardest of days. She could just tell. Erin could relate to her. She could respect it. She just wasn't sure how anyone could find happiness in a place like this. "Though if you're in pain..."

"No," Erin replied quickly. Advil was fine. She was fine.

The nurse ignored her tone again. "Okay then. Well, all you've got here is-"

Erin interrupted her again, wanting to kick herself for jumping to conclusions. She started to rhyme off the words that she had heard earlier, surprised that she managed to remember it all. There was one thing that she was missing from the mix though, she just couldn't figure out what it was. "A HIV cocktail and STD prophylaxis."

"Right," the nurse nodded, giving her a small soft smile. Erin figured that it wasn't often that a patient knew these things, or at least wasn't so paranoid about them. There was something weird about the way that she was looking at her anyway - and it was more than just pity. The brunette didn't like it. "And the morning after pill."

That was it. That was all that needed to be said to shatter what little serenity that she had gained in the last few minutes. The morning after pill. It was just one more reminder to her that what happened had in fact, happened. Erin couldn't look at Jay this time. If she looked around at him and saw something in his expression that she didn't want to, it would be the final nail in the coffin. In her coffin. She knew that he knew what had gone down in there. He had seen it with his own eyes. He had been the one to help her put her clothes back on. Or at least, put his hoodie on. It didn't make Erin feel any better though.

It was such a simple little thing. A pill. Erin had never really thought about kids. She'd had a few close calls in her younger years but it wasn't like she hadn't wanted them. Some day. She had always just been scared that she would disappoint them in the same way that her mother had disappointed her. Jay had changed all of that for her. He had made her think. Suddenly, she would catch herself thinking about the family that she would have if she settled down with her partner, at the most random times in the day. She could imagine a little girl with his heart, and a son with her stubbornness - both with the messy dark hair that they shared. Erin wasn't quite ready for it now though. The pill had been a part of her routine for years, but somehow this time around the thought of it was making her stomach turn. Like she was taking it to try and cover up some filthy mistake. Like it had been a choice.

It wasn't her mistake. It wasn't her choice.

"Thank you," Jay replied for her. Was there something about his voice that was different than before? Maybe it was just her imagination playing tricks on her. His eyes followed the nurse as she left the room to give them some privacy, before they fell onto the brunette in front of them once again. "Do you want some water? She forgot to...I mean, I can just..."

Erin paused, though she shook her head slightly. Something had definitely shifted. It was rising in her chest faster than she could push it back down again. She was trying her best to just breath through it was the brunette realised quickly that there wasn't much use in doing so. Erin threw the covers away from her suddenly, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and pushing herself to stand. Jay stood up immediately as she moved. As though he expected her to fall.

There was a small bathroom attached to her room. It wasn't too far away from the bed but each step was agonising and her muscles craved relief. Her partner was quick to follow her. He was ready to bolt from the second that he had seen the sheets fly off of the bed. Erin tried to push the door shut behind her before she fell to her knees, but Jay raised a strong hand up to meet her and it bounced back open again.

There wasn't much in her stomach that she could give up. Erin felt as though her throat was being torn to shreds with each heave and cough that she let out. She rested her head against the toilet bowl, finding some relief in how cool it was. Jay was apprehensive, but he reached a hand out slowly towards her - rubbing small circles against her back in an attempt to comfort her as best he could.

"You should go home, Jay."

He chuckled slightly, trying to defuse the tension that had built around them. "I'm not going anywhere. I didn't get this black eye for nothing."

"You don't have to do this," she continued as though he hadn't said anything at all. "You don't have to stay with me here." Erin didn't know how he could even look at her the way that she was. She felt disgusting. She wanted to tear the skin off her bones. It hadn't stopped crawling from the second that she had been taken into the ambulance. There was a shower in the corner of the bathroom. That was her next stop. "I'm sorry for everything."

Jay frowned. "What do you have to be sorry for?"

Erin shook her head, moving on and ignoring his question. "Does everyone know?"

"All the guys were in the waiting room but I told them just to go home. You know what they're like though. They'll have pitched tents or something. Burgess was on her way too. I'm sure that word will have gotten around the district that you're in here. Platt will be having a meltdown." Jay smiled slightly, hoping that his words had made her feel even slightly better. "I don't think you realise how many people care about you back there."

The brunette let out a long, slow breath and repeated her question. "Does everyone _know_?"

Jay hesitated, realising the real meaning behind her words. When he had carried her out of that house it hadn't been the prettiest of sights. Anyone with half a brain would have been able to jump to the right conclusion there and then. He knew that Erin wasn't stupid though. He knew that she had seen everyone standing there too. Watching. I haven't said anything."

"That's not what I asked, Jay."

If she didn't know now then she would soon enough. It was better coming from him. "A lot of people saw us. You know how fast gossip travels here. It's like wildfire."

Erin nodded slowly, taking in his words. She told herself that she wasn't going to freak out at the thought of it. She wasn't going to let herself. The brunette didn't want to think about what had been said. She didn't want to be the talk of the district. She didn't want anyone else to know what she had done. "Okay."

"Okay?" It was a better reaction than Jay had expected. "Are you okay?"

She wanted to say no. It was the truth after all. Erin swallowed the lump in her throat that was growing quickly. She could feel the tears starting to form in her eyes but she refused to let them fall past onto her cheeks. The brunette wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. All that she wanted to do was go home. Every second that she spent in the hospital killed her more than the last. There had to be something that she could take control of. "I want to go for a shower."

"I'm not sure if that's the best idea."

Erin knew that he was going to say that. She didn't care what Jay thought though. She had to get rid of the blood in her hair and she was sure that there was blood in other places too, another dried up reminder of what had happened. She had to get rid of any traces that she had ever been in that house. She could _feel_ him on her skin. "I don't care."

"Why don't you go back to bed for a little bit and we can try later? You still have to take those pills. You're probably getting pretty dehydrated too. It'll be good for you to have some water." Jay would say anything if it meant she would take it easy. He knew that she wasn't going to listen to him. He knew that she didn't care. Once she had her mind set on something it was rare that he could change it. "You're exhausted, Er."

"It's just a shower." Erin knew that he was probably right. She wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball under the covers and drift off, but she had to do what she had to do. She knew that he probably wanted nothing more than to watch her from the chair that was next to her bed. As though she would disappear if he looked away for even a second. He was that type of guy.

He was starting to cave. "I should at least ask someone it's okay. Just in case."

"I'm not a child, Jay," Erin snapped. "Jesus Christ. Just let me do this one thing for myself."

She could see the cogs turning in his brain. She knew that he was probably thinking through every possible scenario that was unlikely to even happen. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah," he nodded. She was like a defiant child. It was no use putting up a fight with her. "But I'm staying in here with you."

Her stomach dropped. "No."

"What if something happens?"

"What could possibly happen?" Erin replied and he shrugged. "You're only a door away."

Jay shook his head. "I'd feel a whole lot more comfortable being a shower curtain away."

"Jay..." Erin opened her mouth to speak but she couldn't get anything else out other than his name, and even that was no more than a whisper. She didn't want him to see any more of her than he already could past the hospital gown. She knew that he had seen it all before but this time it was different. She was different. "I can't."

He sighed. "I'm sorry." Jay wanted to kick himself for even pushing it as far as he had. He couldn't even begin to imagine what she was feeling. The last thing that Erin needed was any added pressure coming from him. He couldn't do that to his partner. "I'll be right outside the door if you need me. If you need anything at all."

"I know you are," Erin said, meeting his worried gaze. She didn't deserve him. "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me for anything," he replied sincerely. "I mean that."

Jay pushed himself up onto his feet, watching intently as Erin did the exact same thing. He wanted to help her, but knew that it was probably best to let her try it by herself. She grimaced slightly at the movement and Jay had to stop himself from reaching a hand out to her. He waited until she was steady enough on her feet before he turned towards the door, taking a few steps away from her before glancing back to take a final look at her. It was only going to be for a few minutes but it already felt like a lifetime to Jay. He closed the door over slowly and suddenly, Erin was alone again. There was a part of Erin that wanted him to stay with her. A part of her that knew she would feel a whole lot safer if his arms were wrapped tightly around her. She tried to ignore the thought as best she could. She would be just fine by herself.

Erin pulled back the thin, blue shower curtain, and examined the two knobs that were directly in front of her. She turned one to the sharply, inhaling sharply and recoiling as a spray of water hit her arm. It was colder than she had expected it to be. Reaching forward again, she turned the other one until the water started to feel a little warmer. The brunette pulled the gown over her head, gritting her teeth as pain radiated throughout her muscles, and let it fall to the floor. It all would have been so much easier with Jay there to help her but there wasn't a chance in hell that she was going to let him see her like this. Erin didn't even want to look at her own body. She didn't want to see the marks that he had left on her.

She stepped into the shower, pulling the curtain closed behind her and letting the stream of water wash over her. Erin couldn't help but let out a small sigh of relief. It was the best that she had felt for hours.

 _ **It's sure been a while. Sorry guys. I feel like this chapter was a little boring but I'm just trying to develop the story as best I can. I have big plans in coming chapters. How's everyone liking the latest episodes. I'm utterly devastated about the latest Linstead happenings.**_

 _ **Come talk to me on twitter if you feel like it - jophiaslove**_


End file.
